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Thursday, June 12, 2014

Didn't intentionally skip posting yesterday, but it was a busy day, and no dramatic improvement in either my course of action or my mood.  I don't really remember what I ate, but I'm sure it wasn't good.  I think I had an Egg McMuffin and hash brown for breakfast, coffee and oj.  Lunch (at Joanna's) was some of her Mexican soup with cheese and sour cream.  Dinner....  I think it was Wendy's?  McDonalds?  Not sure...  Actually, it was leftover baked chicken, mashed potatoes (the instant kind), and a little of the wild rice/quinoa mix (and I do mean a little, like less than half a cup).  So not too bad.  Just not deliberately good.  At least if I'm going to do something stupid like eat at McDonalds, I did it for breakfast.  I did have sweet tea with dinner.  Not too bad a day, all in all.

Then there's today.  Four-egg omelet for breakfast, with cheese.  Coffee, 2 cups, water.  Lunch was a piece of string cheese, a brownie, and a very small piece of cheesecake at Joanna's.  (I babysat today for her not because she was working, but because she had her wisdom teeth out).  I also had most of a chicken breast (I shared some with Jenny and Aidynn) for an early dinnerTHEN on the way home, because the chicken wasn't enough, I went to McDonalds.  Again.  Two cheeseburgers this time, fries, medium coke.

And I feel so crappy.  Not because of eating.  Just because I hate the thought of the rest of my life.  It's such a dismal thought, I can't face it.  In fact, I hate it.  Sometimes, I just want to go to bed and sleep for the rest of my life.  At least I wouldn't be eating.

Tuesday, June 10, 2014

Still trying to figure this out....

Wow.  Sucky day.  Mr. Hyde hit me hard today.  I don't know why....  that's what I'm really trying to figure out so I can come up with a battle plan.  There's no rhyme or reason to when the hormones (or lack thereof) hit me - I can't predict it like I could with my monthly cycle, which was just like clockwork.  I just felt like biting everybody's heads off.  And NOT like being good.  So, yeah, write off today.  Breakfast was a piece of toast and cup of coffee (or two).  Cream and sugar, of course.  That's just a given, unless I happen to be eating cheesecake.  :)   Lunch, late, was a Tuscan chicken sandwich from Wendys and fries, and coke.  Dinner, at 10:15pm, was a BIG MAC, fries, and a sweet tea.  Yep.
I still feel crappy, and don't know why, but I KNOW I've got to come up with a way to handle this without throwing everything out the flippin window.  The problem is, when I feel like this, nothing matters.  Nothing.  I'm back to that can't-face-the-future, how-did-I-get-here, poor-poor-pitiful-me drama.  And I do not know how to get out of it.  I just ride it out, trying not to do anybody in on the way.  The future absolutely terrifies me;  I turn into jello, and I just want to go to bed and sleep.  Forever. 
Maybe tomorrow will be a better day.....  not holding my breath.

Monday, June 9, 2014

(No weigh-in today - I'm going to weigh in once a week, on Monday mornings - yes, today is Monday, but I weighed in yesterday).
Breakfast - small serving (3/4 cup, cooked) grits, no butter.  Coffee, creamed and sugared.  Water.
Lunch - New York Style hot dog (with sauerkraut, grilled onions, and mustard), tots, and coke (from Sonic).
Dinner - burrito bowl from Moe's - chicken, rice, grilled onions and mushrooms, corn salsa, cheese, guacamole, sour cream, cheese, black olives, black beans, and cilantro.  And then a few tortilla chips with salsa.  At least I didn't have the flour tortilla!  Oh, and another Coke.  :(
So I started off good, then kinda went downhill.  Just got too hungry both times, I don't know.  I was babysitting at Joanna's and it was a pretty calm, easy day....  not depressed, just not motivated enough to avoid ordering for myself when I ended up having to go out.  So the solution is to plan ahead better!!  Avoid being in a position where I have to make a quick run out in order to have a meal for myself or the children under my care (Jenny, grandkids...).  Better for my budget as well as my body!!

Sunday, June 8, 2014

Back At It

Today's weight - 214.3 (down from last week)
 Long time no see....! 
I'm going to do this again - journaling my food, exercise, moods and what I do about them, and see if I can't find a way to deal successfully with the depression that keeps knocking me down.  PMS was a roller coaster ride;  and I like roller coasters, as a general rule.  Well, menopause is a freaking cliff-dive.  With no water at the bottom to land in.  Gotta find a way to battle through the extreme hormone issues I'm dealing with!!!  Because what I usually do is eat.  Eat and feel sorry for my poor, poor self. 
SO - this morning I weighed in at 214.3, which I was pretty pleased about, as I haven't been intentionally doing anything about health in the last three weeks, except for the Color Fun Fest, which I would have dropped if I hadn't paid for it in advance, back when I was actually motivated.  The last three weeks I have been keeping two grandbabies while my daughter was working - Aidynn is 2 and Gabe 7 months, so they are quite the handful.  I hadn't realized how out-of-practice I was. 
I started back in March with my adult daughters (and friend Megan) challenging each other to eat better, exercise more, and get fit, and since then I have lost about 18 pounds.  Still a long, long way to go, but as I already well know, the benefits start showing up right away - better, sounder sleep, growing self-confidence, and improved emotional well-being.  Exercise feels good!  Not only physically, but it also gives you a hand up with your hormone-driven mood swings.  This is good. 
So today, for breakfast, I had a Fibre One meal bar and water, and coffee, of course, with cream and sugar.  I was feeling motivated because during my shower, I noticed that the almost-always-present swelling in my feet and ankles had gone down, so I got on the scale.  I was down more than three pounds since Monday!  That was definitely motivating!
I had a Wendy's Strawberry Fields salad, half-size, for lunch, with water.  Also midway between lunch and breakfast I had another cup of coffee (cream & sugar) and a handful of leftover Sun Chips, Garden Salsa flavored - not even a full serving, just the last crumbs in the bag.  Planning to bake some chicken and make broccoli and cauliflower for dinner.  I will continue to drink water and stay away from sweet tea and definitely coke!  Here's to a healthier, happier, fuller life!  Cheers!