Just get through the day, one mundane task at a time.  Give Jenny her medicine, check.  Fix food, check.  I'm still just ticking off time, and for what?  Each day is something to just get through.  Sometimes it seems as if it's too much of an effort, and I just want to lay down.  My chest tightens until it hurts for hours later, and at times I can hardly function.  Just tired.......

Didn't intentionally skip posting yesterday, but it was a busy day, and no dramatic improvement in either my course of action or my mood.  I don't really remember what I ate, but I'm sure it wasn't good.  I think I had an Egg McMuffin and hash brown for breakfast, coffee and oj.  Lunch (at Joanna's) was some of her Mexican soup with cheese and sour cream.  Dinner....  I think it was Wendy's?  McDonalds?  Not sure...  Actually, it was leftover baked chicken, mashed potatoes (the instant kind), and a little of the wild rice/quinoa mix (and I do mean a little, like less than half a cup).  So not too bad.  Just not deliberately good.  At least if I'm going to do something stupid like eat at McDonalds, I did it for breakfast.  I did have sweet tea with dinner.  Not too bad a day, all in all.

Then there's today.  Four-egg omelet for breakfast, with cheese.  Coffee, 2 cups, water.  Lunch was a piece of string cheese, a brownie, and a very small piece of cheesecake at Joanna's.  (I babysat today for her not because she was working, but because she had her wisdom teeth out).  I also had most of a chicken breast (I shared some with Jenny and Aidynn) for an early dinner.  THEN on the way home, because the chicken wasn't enough, I went to McDonalds.  Again.  Two cheeseburgers this time, fries, medium coke.

And I feel so crappy.  Not because of eating.  Just because I hate the thought of the rest of my life.  It's such a dismal thought, I can't face it.  In fact, I hate it.  Sometimes, I just want to go to bed and sleep for the rest of my life.  At least I wouldn't be eating.

Still trying to figure this out....

Wow.  Sucky day.  Mr. Hyde hit me hard today.  I don't know why....  that's what I'm really trying to figure out so I can come up with a battle plan.  There's no rhyme or reason to when the hormones (or lack thereof) hit me - I can't predict it like I could with my monthly cycle, which was just like clockwork.  I just felt like biting everybody's heads off.  And NOT like being good.  So, yeah, write off today.  Breakfast was a piece of toast and cup of coffee (or two).  Cream and sugar, of course.  That's just a given, unless I happen to be eating cheesecake.  :)   Lunch, late, was a Tuscan chicken sandwich from Wendys and fries, and coke.  Dinner, at 10:15pm, was a BIG MAC, fries, and a sweet tea.  Yep.
I still feel crappy, and don't know why, but I KNOW I've got to come up with a way to handle this without throwing everything out the flippin window.  The problem is, when I feel like this, nothing matters.  Nothing.  I'm back to that can't-face-the-future, how-did-I-get-here, poor-poor-pitiful-me drama.  And I do not know how to get out of it.  I just ride it out, trying not to do anybody in on the way.  The future absolutely terrifies me;  I turn into jello, and I just want to go to bed and sleep.  Forever. 
Maybe tomorrow will be a better day.....  not holding my breath.

(No weigh-in today - I'm going to weigh in once a week, on Monday mornings - yes, today is Monday, but I weighed in yesterday).
Breakfast - small serving (3/4 cup, cooked) grits, no butter.  Coffee, creamed and sugared.  Water.
Lunch - New York Style hot dog (with sauerkraut, grilled onions, and mustard), tots, and coke (from Sonic).
Dinner - burrito bowl from Moe's - chicken, rice, grilled onions and mushrooms, corn salsa, cheese, guacamole, sour cream, cheese, black olives, black beans, and cilantro.  And then a few tortilla chips with salsa.  At least I didn't have the flour tortilla!  Oh, and another Coke.  :(
So I started off good, then kinda went downhill.  Just got too hungry both times, I don't know.  I was babysitting at Joanna's and it was a pretty calm, easy day....  not depressed, just not motivated enough to avoid ordering for myself when I ended up having to go out.  So the solution is to plan ahead better!!  Avoid being in a position where I have to make a quick run out in order to have a meal for myself or the children under my care (Jenny, grandkids...).  Better for my budget as well as my body!!

Back At It

Today's weight - 214.3 (down from last week)
 Long time no see....! 
I'm going to do this again - journaling my food, exercise, moods and what I do about them, and see if I can't find a way to deal successfully with the depression that keeps knocking me down.  PMS was a roller coaster ride;  and I like roller coasters, as a general rule.  Well, menopause is a freaking cliff-dive.  With no water at the bottom to land in.  Gotta find a way to battle through the extreme hormone issues I'm dealing with!!!  Because what I usually do is eat.  Eat and feel sorry for my poor, poor self. 
SO - this morning I weighed in at 214.3, which I was pretty pleased about, as I haven't been intentionally doing anything about health in the last three weeks, except for the Color Fun Fest, which I would have dropped if I hadn't paid for it in advance, back when I was actually motivated.  The last three weeks I have been keeping two grandbabies while my daughter was working - Aidynn is 2 and Gabe 7 months, so they are quite the handful.  I hadn't realized how out-of-practice I was. 
I started back in March with my adult daughters (and friend Megan) challenging each other to eat better, exercise more, and get fit, and since then I have lost about 18 pounds.  Still a long, long way to go, but as I already well know, the benefits start showing up right away - better, sounder sleep, growing self-confidence, and improved emotional well-being.  Exercise feels good!  Not only physically, but it also gives you a hand up with your hormone-driven mood swings.  This is good. 
So today, for breakfast, I had a Fibre One meal bar and water, and coffee, of course, with cream and sugar.  I was feeling motivated because during my shower, I noticed that the almost-always-present swelling in my feet and ankles had gone down, so I got on the scale.  I was down more than three pounds since Monday!  That was definitely motivating!
I had a Wendy's Strawberry Fields salad, half-size, for lunch, with water.  Also midway between lunch and breakfast I had another cup of coffee (cream & sugar) and a handful of leftover Sun Chips, Garden Salsa flavored - not even a full serving, just the last crumbs in the bag.  Planning to bake some chicken and make broccoli and cauliflower for dinner.  I will continue to drink water and stay away from sweet tea and definitely coke!  Here's to a healthier, happier, fuller life!  Cheers!

Still Going...

(No weigh-in today) 
I decided I'm only going to weigh-in once or twice a week.
About to go exercise - pretty good yesterday, drank only water and coffee, only carbs were a small serving of rice at dinner, and the sugar in the creamer I used in my coffee in the am.  Today, good so far!  Now we'll see how I feel after an exercise video!  :)

Another Beginning

Today's Weight - 216.1 (Up!!)
Well, at least I haven't gained back all I lost!!  I'm still down more than 11 pounds!  :)  So, now it's time to get going again - take off the eleven or so pounds I've gained back, which should be pretty easy as it's new weight, and then lose another ten, and then some more, and so on....  I can do that!  Especially since Joanna's getting married in a little less than four weeks, and if I don't take off a good bit of weight between now and then, I won't have anything to wear!!  Even if I could afford to buy something new, I would look awful in it at this weight!  So, I'm trying to drink nothing but water and coffee, cut out most carbs, and exercise most days.  At least walk!  Hopefully work up to running.  I would LOVE to try Zumba!!  I know I would love it, and I would DEFINITELY lose weight doing that!!  At least I can turn on some music and DANCE!
Well, off we go!!  :)

Grrrr....

Late night munchies - which I don't usually suffer from.  And even more bizarre, I'm craving ICE CREAM!  I hardly ever really care for ice cream!!  If I'm going to go off on a binge, it's a food binge, not generally dessert.  And when I do have a dessert craving, it's fudge or brownies or cheesecake, not ice cream!  But tonight, I suddenly NEED ice cream.  And yet even more strange, when I told Julie and Joseph about this unnatural craving, they both confessed that they had just been talking about needing ice cream!!  Of course, Joseph's craving involved not only ice cream, but brownies and hot fudge....

Whew!! Now, Time To Get Back On Track...

Today's Weight - 212-5 (Down 1.6)
I finally found and unpacked the Wii since the move (more than two weeks ago!), but I've still got a LOT of unpacking to do!!!  I was pleased that I was down almost a pound (0.9) from the last time I weighed in, and there is so much good going on in my life right now that I'm hoping it will encourage me to go on to the next level.  A little difficult, when I'm completely broke, but at least I can drink plenty of water!!  :)

Another Try

Today's Weight - 214.1 (No change)
Not doing too well with all the chaos going on, so I'm fairly thankful that I wasn't up this week.  I am really looking forward to being in the new house!!  Also looking forward to starting school July 6!!  :)
It will probably be difficult to be as careful as I should be this week, since I'm packing up the kitchen, but I am going to try.  It might also be difficult to find the time to exercise, but I know I'll need a break now and then - if I will only take my break outside, instead of in front of the computer!!!
Also, Joy has shown me a new website that helps keep track of nutrition, exercise, and helps keep you motivated!!!  So here is a link to my blog on SparkPeople.com  - 
http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal.asp?id=JONI1965

Back Again...

Today's Weight - 214.1 (Up 1.4)
Definitely not bad, taking into consideration how completely undisciplined I've been.  Every bit as bad as if I had never begun.  And for about a month.  Lots of stress, knowing that in June 1)we HAVE to move, and 2)my income decreases by $300 a month.  Also, very unsure (and discouraged) about whether or not I can get a job, and whether my financial aid was going to come through for starting school on July 6.  
Now, I'm breathing a little easier - we have found a house, and if I can make it through the financial hardship of all the deposits, I think I'll make it - especially if I can get a job!  I have a little more optimism (today, at least) about finding something.  And I found out that my financial aid is ready to go!  Registration is tomorrow, and I am looking forward to doing something towards being independent.  So now I am wanting to get back on track, and take off this ridiculous excess weight.  Already, I've been feeling crummier, and not sleeping as well, just with the little more I've regained.  (I am SO thankful it wasn't more - I was expecting to be back up around 220).
It ought to be easy to lose weight, when I can't afford to buy any food!!  No tea, so we're all drinking water!  I am just now having a fiber bar, with ice water, for breakfast (at 11:30am!!), and I'm going to make some coffee.  (We do still have some coffee - just no sugar or creamer!!!).  Might even take Jenny to the pool for a while today, to take a break from packing, and to get her away from her movies!!  She misses school!

*Long, Resigned Sigh*

Today's Weight - 212.7 (Up ???? ALOT)
Well.  I guess that's what happens when you do absolutely nothing to lose weight, and eat like you were never interested in getting thin and healthy.  

Yay!

Today's Weight - 209.2 (Down 0.5)
Not much time this morning, but it's good to be down after the snack I had yesterday afternoon!!!!!  Everything else was great - cereal for breakfast, lunch was a peanut butter sandwich on those flatbreads, dinner a grain bar - but in the afternoon, I ate half a bag of those veggie chips!!!  With sweet tea!!!  :O

Slow And Steady...

Today's Weight - 209.7 (Down 0.4)
As long as it's going down, or even holding ground (for a day or two!), I'm happy!  Of course, I'd love to weigh 135 TODAY! but I'm very happy to be smaller today than I was a few months ago, and looking forward with great anticipation to being smaller still this summer!!  Yesterday I had cereal for breakfast (very healthy organic granola with almonds and dark chocolate! - but I really need to get some more skim milk!), with water and coffee, then for lunch - - - OH MY!  Joy and Charles took me to Fogo Del ????? in Buckhead!!!  Oh my goodness.  I have had some good filet mignon in my life, but yesterday....  there has never been filet mignon until then.  I melted!  (You know how a good filet "melts" in your mouth?).  Everything was incredible!  The salad bar - I would have been perfectly content to just eat that - that is, until the meats starting coming around.  I didn't know food could be that good!!  And I have had some good food!   *sigh*
After eating such a substantial meal, I was hoping not to have to eat at all the rest of the day (we ate at noon), but after spending the afternoon playing in the pool at Joy and Charles', I was hungry by 5pm!  So I made a deli sandwich on that cool "flat" bread, and even had some chips.  And didn't eat until almost 7!  Oh, I also had a half flatbread with peanut butter!  And I was still down this morning!!!!  Yay!

Whew!!! That's A Relief!

Today's Weight - 210.1 (Down 2.4)
Yay!  I guess being hungry yesterday paid off!  It wasn't necessarily easy going from total indulgence to no coke, no tea, no fries, and only two meals rather than eating whenever and whatever I wanted!  But all day long, I wanted the freedom from obesity more than I wanted food - so it worked!  Now just to remember that....
I had a grain bar for breakfast (along with coffee and ice water, of course), skipped lunch and went to West Bank Park instead, to get too much sun!!, then had a sandwich and a handful of chips for dinner, just after 6.  (Water, of course).  Oh yeah, I also had a spoonful of peanut butter while I was making dinner for the kids, before I started my sandwich.  I got some new bread, called "sandwich thins" - pretty cool, like flatbread, only round and sliced open.  So instead of 160-220 calories in the bread you eat in a typical sandwich, this was only 100 calories in bread.  They have several whole-grain varieties to choose from.  (They were on sale!!)  Pretty good with Boar's Head Salsalito Turkey! (also on sale).

Really Need To Find My Groove Again!!

Today's Weight - 212.5 (Up 3.4)
Well, NOW I'm on the other side of 210!  Still, I was prepared for worse.  But now is the time to halt the reverse momentum - before it gets more costly.  I cannot forget how much I have enjoyed the benefits I have already reaped - just being down twenty pounds (or even fifteen....).  There is no way I want to give that up!!  Even though I have a long way to go - particularly as I'm doing this really slow!! - it is still rewarding on the way;  I don't have to wait until I reach my ultimate goal to enjoy it!!  It's fun on the way there!
So today, I'm going back to water (which I love, remember?), and healthy eating (no more junk!!).  And I don't have to consider that a sacrifice - I like the foods I eat when I am eating healthy.  Some people don't, and that does make it difficult.  Plus, I want to add exercise as part of my daily routine, not just an extra I throw in once a week or so...

These Breaks Will Wipe Me Out!

Today's Weight - 209.9 (Up 1.0)

Actually, I'm very thankful - I was trying hard to prepare myself for a much bigger gain - I was afraid I'd be back well on the other side of 210.

Oops...

Today's Weight - 208.9 (Up 0.7)
I didn't really mean to skip yesterday's post/confession... although it wasn't a pleasant thought to have to tell that I had gained the 0.9 pounds back that I had taken off the day before.  Anyway, after being up 0.9 yesterday, this morning I am down 0.2 - actually a pleasant surprise, since I had lunch at Red Lobster yesterday (I think I had three cheese biscuits!), and then for dinner...!  First, I had a fiber bar at 5:30, so that should have done me for the rest of the day;  I wanted to eat early.  But when I made pepperoni pizza for the kids....  I caved and had two pieces - at 8pm - and drank a coke and a half!!!!  So I was very pleased to be down this morning!  :)  Now, to try to control myself today...

Who Knows...?

Today's Weight - 208.1 (Down 0.9)
Well, that proves that yesterday's excessive gain was a fluke.  Because I sure shouldn't have lost any yesterday.  I had cereal for breakfast, with coffee and water, but after that - that was it!  I don't even remember what I had for lunch, but I had McDonald's fries and a coke about 5, for an after-school snack, and Julie's shepherd's pie for dinner, and then I made toffee! and ate half of it!!!  Late!!!  Drank coke and sweet tea...  just ridiculous.  And I lost 0.9 pounds!  Well, I do feel better, so I'm going to try to keep going in that direction.  What a ride!

Yuck...

Today's Weight - 209.0 (Up 2.9)
It looks like I was really bad over the weekend - and although I did "relax" a bit (fish tacos and sweet tea Saturday night, Zaxby's fries, nibblerz, and coke for lunch on Sunday, and Giorgio's! with sweet tea for dinner Sunday night, not to mention tortilla chips with spinach, cheese, and artichoke dip as a snack!), I have done far worse with less catastrophic results.  I believe my gain is partly digestive (or the lack thereof), and partly retaining water (which is sort-of related).  I feel bloated, and my whole abdomen is sore, and hard as a brick (and not because I have great abs, either!).  So I am hoping to see that disappear soon, and be back on track.  In the meantime, I don't feel so good, and I'm afraid I won't feel like exercising, so I guess we'll see how that goes.  At least for right now, I don't want to eat again, ever!   :)