Just get through the day, one mundane task at a time.  Give Jenny her medicine, check.  Fix food, check.  I'm still just ticking off time, and for what?  Each day is something to just get through.  Sometimes it seems as if it's too much of an effort, and I just want to lay down.  My chest tightens until it hurts for hours later, and at times I can hardly function.  Just tired.......

Didn't intentionally skip posting yesterday, but it was a busy day, and no dramatic improvement in either my course of action or my mood.  I don't really remember what I ate, but I'm sure it wasn't good.  I think I had an Egg McMuffin and hash brown for breakfast, coffee and oj.  Lunch (at Joanna's) was some of her Mexican soup with cheese and sour cream.  Dinner....  I think it was Wendy's?  McDonalds?  Not sure...  Actually, it was leftover baked chicken, mashed potatoes (the instant kind), and a little of the wild rice/quinoa mix (and I do mean a little, like less than half a cup).  So not too bad.  Just not deliberately good.  At least if I'm going to do something stupid like eat at McDonalds, I did it for breakfast.  I did have sweet tea with dinner.  Not too bad a day, all in all.

Then there's today.  Four-egg omelet for breakfast, with cheese.  Coffee, 2 cups, water.  Lunch was a piece of string cheese, a brownie, and a very small piece of cheesecake at Joanna's.  (I babysat today for her not because she was working, but because she had her wisdom teeth out).  I also had most of a chicken breast (I shared some with Jenny and Aidynn) for an early dinner.  THEN on the way home, because the chicken wasn't enough, I went to McDonalds.  Again.  Two cheeseburgers this time, fries, medium coke.

And I feel so crappy.  Not because of eating.  Just because I hate the thought of the rest of my life.  It's such a dismal thought, I can't face it.  In fact, I hate it.  Sometimes, I just want to go to bed and sleep for the rest of my life.  At least I wouldn't be eating.

Still trying to figure this out....

Wow.  Sucky day.  Mr. Hyde hit me hard today.  I don't know why....  that's what I'm really trying to figure out so I can come up with a battle plan.  There's no rhyme or reason to when the hormones (or lack thereof) hit me - I can't predict it like I could with my monthly cycle, which was just like clockwork.  I just felt like biting everybody's heads off.  And NOT like being good.  So, yeah, write off today.  Breakfast was a piece of toast and cup of coffee (or two).  Cream and sugar, of course.  That's just a given, unless I happen to be eating cheesecake.  :)   Lunch, late, was a Tuscan chicken sandwich from Wendys and fries, and coke.  Dinner, at 10:15pm, was a BIG MAC, fries, and a sweet tea.  Yep.
I still feel crappy, and don't know why, but I KNOW I've got to come up with a way to handle this without throwing everything out the flippin window.  The problem is, when I feel like this, nothing matters.  Nothing.  I'm back to that can't-face-the-future, how-did-I-get-here, poor-poor-pitiful-me drama.  And I do not know how to get out of it.  I just ride it out, trying not to do anybody in on the way.  The future absolutely terrifies me;  I turn into jello, and I just want to go to bed and sleep.  Forever. 
Maybe tomorrow will be a better day.....  not holding my breath.

(No weigh-in today - I'm going to weigh in once a week, on Monday mornings - yes, today is Monday, but I weighed in yesterday).
Breakfast - small serving (3/4 cup, cooked) grits, no butter.  Coffee, creamed and sugared.  Water.
Lunch - New York Style hot dog (with sauerkraut, grilled onions, and mustard), tots, and coke (from Sonic).
Dinner - burrito bowl from Moe's - chicken, rice, grilled onions and mushrooms, corn salsa, cheese, guacamole, sour cream, cheese, black olives, black beans, and cilantro.  And then a few tortilla chips with salsa.  At least I didn't have the flour tortilla!  Oh, and another Coke.  :(
So I started off good, then kinda went downhill.  Just got too hungry both times, I don't know.  I was babysitting at Joanna's and it was a pretty calm, easy day....  not depressed, just not motivated enough to avoid ordering for myself when I ended up having to go out.  So the solution is to plan ahead better!!  Avoid being in a position where I have to make a quick run out in order to have a meal for myself or the children under my care (Jenny, grandkids...).  Better for my budget as well as my body!!

Back At It

Today's weight - 214.3 (down from last week)
 Long time no see....! 
I'm going to do this again - journaling my food, exercise, moods and what I do about them, and see if I can't find a way to deal successfully with the depression that keeps knocking me down.  PMS was a roller coaster ride;  and I like roller coasters, as a general rule.  Well, menopause is a freaking cliff-dive.  With no water at the bottom to land in.  Gotta find a way to battle through the extreme hormone issues I'm dealing with!!!  Because what I usually do is eat.  Eat and feel sorry for my poor, poor self. 
SO - this morning I weighed in at 214.3, which I was pretty pleased about, as I haven't been intentionally doing anything about health in the last three weeks, except for the Color Fun Fest, which I would have dropped if I hadn't paid for it in advance, back when I was actually motivated.  The last three weeks I have been keeping two grandbabies while my daughter was working - Aidynn is 2 and Gabe 7 months, so they are quite the handful.  I hadn't realized how out-of-practice I was. 
I started back in March with my adult daughters (and friend Megan) challenging each other to eat better, exercise more, and get fit, and since then I have lost about 18 pounds.  Still a long, long way to go, but as I already well know, the benefits start showing up right away - better, sounder sleep, growing self-confidence, and improved emotional well-being.  Exercise feels good!  Not only physically, but it also gives you a hand up with your hormone-driven mood swings.  This is good. 
So today, for breakfast, I had a Fibre One meal bar and water, and coffee, of course, with cream and sugar.  I was feeling motivated because during my shower, I noticed that the almost-always-present swelling in my feet and ankles had gone down, so I got on the scale.  I was down more than three pounds since Monday!  That was definitely motivating!
I had a Wendy's Strawberry Fields salad, half-size, for lunch, with water.  Also midway between lunch and breakfast I had another cup of coffee (cream & sugar) and a handful of leftover Sun Chips, Garden Salsa flavored - not even a full serving, just the last crumbs in the bag.  Planning to bake some chicken and make broccoli and cauliflower for dinner.  I will continue to drink water and stay away from sweet tea and definitely coke!  Here's to a healthier, happier, fuller life!  Cheers!

Still Going...

(No weigh-in today) 
I decided I'm only going to weigh-in once or twice a week.
About to go exercise - pretty good yesterday, drank only water and coffee, only carbs were a small serving of rice at dinner, and the sugar in the creamer I used in my coffee in the am.  Today, good so far!  Now we'll see how I feel after an exercise video!  :)

Another Beginning

Today's Weight - 216.1 (Up!!)
Well, at least I haven't gained back all I lost!!  I'm still down more than 11 pounds!  :)  So, now it's time to get going again - take off the eleven or so pounds I've gained back, which should be pretty easy as it's new weight, and then lose another ten, and then some more, and so on....  I can do that!  Especially since Joanna's getting married in a little less than four weeks, and if I don't take off a good bit of weight between now and then, I won't have anything to wear!!  Even if I could afford to buy something new, I would look awful in it at this weight!  So, I'm trying to drink nothing but water and coffee, cut out most carbs, and exercise most days.  At least walk!  Hopefully work up to running.  I would LOVE to try Zumba!!  I know I would love it, and I would DEFINITELY lose weight doing that!!  At least I can turn on some music and DANCE!
Well, off we go!!  :)